08.12.2010 - Thursday

Warning: This is a lengthy post with little to do with "what I did" since my last post. It has more to do with the ramblings of my mind. Don't say you weren't warned. . . .

****


Well, I went from writing in my journal every night to going several days between writing. Well, at least I kept it up for a few weeks. Better then nothing.

Truelove's came over on Saturday. We had cashew chicken, just like I said in my last entry. It was good, just as expected. :)They stayed for about 2 hours and then headed home. We had some unexpected visitors come around 4:00 or 4:30 that afternoon. They were doing a VBS I think. . . can't remember where though. They were just coming back from the beach at Mole and thought they would swing by. I think there was some problem with their computer working with their printer or something and they wanted to get a driver downloaded for it. Anyways, we showed them the hospital and talked with them for a while. There were some people from Texas and some people from Mississippi and a bunch of Haitians. I'm afraid I don't know much more then that. Lol

Sunday provided another unexpected surprise. Hmmm. . . is there such a thing as an “expected surprise”? Just a thought. Anyways, there were a couple of white people in church and one of them preached. I finally got to hear a sermon I understood. It was a fine sermon, for an American church. Unfortunately a lot of what he said would have been difficult to understand to a Haitian. I think his translator did a fairly good job of making it understandable. We visited with the whites after church in the church courtyard. They are from Florida. They asked a lot about what we were doing, how our work was going, etc. I'm noticing I'm saying “we”, as if this work here was part of my own calling. I've really done nothing to speak of here, besides just help out, so I don't think I can say “we” in any proper sense. At the same time, however, this is where God called me this summer, so in a sense it IS my work. But really I'm just sharing temporarily in the work that God has called Steve and Faith to. I guess this would be a good time to interject some discussion on the state of the church as it is and how Americans perceive it.

Invariably, when there are visitors here or when Steve and Faith are back in the States visiting, someone will ask the missionary's favorite question. “How many converts do you have?” There are several problems with that question. The first and most obvious is “how do you know when someone is converted?” A conversion is solely between an individual and God. To ask a human being to judge how many people he thinks have truly come to know Christ is at best as silly question and at worst an idiotic one. When the heart of man is deceitfully wicked, it's hard enough to judge your own heart. Asking one to judge the heart of others is simply inane. The question becomes all the more problematic when one considers the ministry that Steve and Faith have. The hospital here provides health care, and free health care when an individual cannot pay. The hospital is a very large part of their work here. If they were to share the Gospel with each individual that came into the hospital, they would assuredly receive large amounts of converts. And while some of those converts might truly believe, a vast majority would be simply trying to please the doctor/missionary/white man. “Oh, you think I should convert? Of course I'll convert!” The problem does not end there either. Each one that “converted” at the missionary's request would feel assured that they were in fact Christians. After all, the missionary said so and was pleased with their decision. But if that conversion does nothing to change the heart or the life of an individual, how can we call that a true conversion (judging, fallibly, based on what Scripture says should happen upon an individual receiving the Spirit of Christ)? And if it is not a true conversion, and yet these people are positive they have been saved because the missionary said so, then is not the missionary to fault for giving that false hope? There can be nothing worse then to wrongly convince someone that they have received Christ and in so doing condemn them to hell.

So that is the first and perhaps worst problem with asking the inane question “how many converts do you have?” at least in Haiti. The second issue that comes up is the fact that nearly everyone in Haiti knows the Gospel. Sure, the exact theology is likely not quite straight, but the basic facts of the Gospel are really quite simple. You are a sinner; God can't stand sinners in His presence; He loved us enough to sacrifice His son that through Christ's blood we might be sanctified; all one has to do is accept that sacrifice and Christ's lordship in their lives. Unlike America, where you might find people on any street corner that have never heard the Gospel, Haiti is (at least according to the missionaries I'm with) largely evangelized. The churches here (of which there are many) constantly evangelize. There is no need for the white man to come and share the Gospel, as the Gospel has already been shared. What remains for the missionary to do is what Christ calls us to do in the Great Commission. “Go ye therefore and teach all nations. . .” That word “teach” there literally means to enroll as a scholar, or to disciple people. Steve and Faith are here, not to “preach” the Gospel – that has already been done – but to set an example of what the Christian life should look like, to encourage their fellow believers, and to disciple people as best they can. “Converts” are not what God is looking for. He is not looking for numbers, he is looking for heart change and people that seek Him with a passion, bringing glory to His name. Steve and Faith could instantly gain hundreds of converts were they to ask each person coming into their hospital if they would like to receive Christ.

So, the question of “how many converts” is an incorrect one. Better to ask “are you seeing heart changes in the hearts of the people you are working with?” “Is the lifestyle of the average Haitian you see everyday becoming more and more a reflection of Christ?” Those are the better questions to ask, because those are questions that can be better answered. Those are the questions that reflect the work and the calling of many missionaries. Those are the questions concerning what God is interested in.

Okay, off my soap box for now. I'm sure I will return to that at some point.

I wanted to write a bit about what God's done in my life during my time here. I'm half way through my last week in Haiti. I'm leaving for Port-Au-Prince on Sunday and will fly out on Monday. I was thinking about being back home and trying to answer all the questions people would have. I know a question that my parents will want answered is “what did God show you?” or something to that affect. I thought it might be good to start pulling all my scattered thoughts and impressions from God together and writing them down. So. . . here goes.

First and foremost, I think that God has revealed a lot of pride and arrogance in my life to me. I know that is a cliché answer, and one I have used many times, but it seems that I have a lot of pride and arrogance. :p Let me detail what I mean. I've discovered that the world does in fact not revolve around me. Yes, I know. . . shocking. I was fooled for a long time too, so don't feel bad if you thought the same thing. ;) In all seriousness, though, it feel that once again God has shown me His greatness and my insignificance. As an American, I tend to place a lot of emphasis on patriotism, what I can do for God, what glorious things God is going to have me do, and I take for granted all the little blessings He bestows on me. What I am beginning to discover is that God seems to have His own plans and I seem to rather get in the way of them in my pride. I think that Chambers says it rather well, so I'll quote him.

There is so much said today about our decisions for Christ, our determination to be Christians, our decisions for this and that, but in the New Testament it is the aspect of God's compelling that is brought out. “Ye have not chosen Me, but I have chosen you.” We are not taken up into conscious agreement with God's purpose, we are taken up into God's purpose without any consciousness at all. We have no conception of what God is aiming at, and as we go on it gets more and more vague. God's aim looks like missing the mark because we are too short-sighted to see what He is aiming at. At the beginning of the Christian life we have our own ideas as to what God's purpose is - “I am meant to go here or there,” “God has called me to do this special work”; and we go and do the thing, and still the big compelling of God remains. The work we do is of no account, it is so much scaffolding compared with the big compelling of God. “He took unto Him the twelve,” He takes us all the time. There is more then we have got at as yet. - Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, August 3: The Big Compelling of God.

My proud mind struggles to grasp the concept that perhaps God isn't so concerned with what I do so much as He is concerned with how I do it. It's not the amount of converts I have, the amount of money I raise to give to the poor, or the amount of time I spend in His Word that concerns God. It is simply my devotion to Him. It is, quite frankly, the “broken and contrite heart” that God loves because He is then free to mold it to His higher purpose. One has to be careful not to be vain in imagining that purpose to be glorious and magnificent. Saints are often called to do the dirtiest, most mundane, unforgiving, terrible, and unrewarding jobs imaginable. But that should not concern us, because God has compelled us to do such a thing, and we should be quite satisfied in knowing that we are in the center of His will. During my time here, I've had time to contemplate the work that the Leach's are doing here. To many churches, mission boards, etc., they've done little more then keep a hospital running. They have no converts to speak of, no glorious numbers to report; they are simply doing what God has compelled them to do. Regardless of how things turn out, whether they appear good or evil, I must always follow my God.

Then there is the issue of forgiveness, friendship, and love. I'm afraid I've rather failed at this in some aspects of my life back home, and God is trying to use (and I seem rather resistant) a young fellow here by the name of Isaiah (ez-aye-ee) to point that out. :p Again, let me quote from Chambers before I talk about it.

The refusal to be disillusioned is the cause of much of the suffering in human life. It works in this way – if we love a human being and do not love God, we demand of him every perfection and every rectitude, and when we do not get it we become cruel and vindictive; we are demanding of a human being that which he or she cannot give. There is only one Being Who can satisfy the last aching abyss of the human heart, and that is the Lord Jesus Christ. Why our Lord is apparently so severe regarding every human relationship is because He knows that every relationship not based loyalty to Himself will end in disaster. Our Lord trusted no man, yet He was never suspicious, never bitter. Our Lord's confidence in God and in what His grace could do for any man, was so perfect that He despaired of no one. If our trust is placed in human beings, we shall end in despairing of everyone. - Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, July 30: The Discipline of Disillusionment.

God has been quite persistent in pointing out that I demand far too much out of the people I know while loving them far too little. Well, in all honestly, I love them out of the goodness and depth of my heart, which is so pitifully small that I might as well not love them at all. This little Haitian fellow, a lad of perhaps twelve years, quickly developed into the most annoying brat I've ever met. . . if I was to demand of him every perfection and every rectitude. The thing that first got me thinking about who Isaiah really represented was the quote by C.S. Lewis in The Weight of Glory. “There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations--these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit--immortal horrors or everlasting splendors.” To realize that each human you come in contact with is a immortal is quite beyond the comprehension of my poor little brain. Isaiah, in human eyes, is a needy, annoying, self-centered, egotistic, whining, and complaining child. Okay. . . that might not be totally fair. He has his good moments. Give me a while and I'll think of one. Ah, he generally has a smile on his face, is quite eager to please (often to get what he wants though. :p). . . yeah, I'll have to work on that more. But the point is, Isaiah is an not a mortal creature. He will be either an immortal horror or an everlasting splendor. I must admit that this boggles my mind while at the same time opening up an entirely different view of who he is. I must first remember that he is a fallen creature, prone to faults, to error, to sin, to selfishness. . . just like myself. Then I must remember that Christ died for all the world . . . for him, just as He did for me. “Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.” Who is my neighbor? Perhaps a better question would be “who is not my neighbor?”

Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbor, and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same? And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so? Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect. - Matthew 5:43-48.

Gotta love how Christ throws in the last kicker there. It's not “so try harder to love the chaps around you”, it's “so straighten up and be perfect”. I looked up that word “perfect”, thinking perhaps that it didn't actually mean “perfect” and that I would be off the hook. No such luck. “Perfect (teleiov): complete (in various applications of labor, growth, mental and moral character, etc.)”. So, regardless of how one treats me, I am to love that person. Seems like a despairing task to take on, seeing as how I'm a fallen creature myself.

My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing. If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. - James 1:2-5.

So perfectness comes from being tried. “When through fiery trials / thy pathway shall lie / My grace all sufficient / shall be thy supply / the flames shall not hurt thee / I only design / thy dross to consume / and thy gold to refine.” God is ever seeking to refine us, to perfect us, to draw us closer to Him, closer to the center of His will, closer to companionship and perfectness in Him. Once again, I defer to Chambers.

Many of us are all right in the main, but there are some domains in which we are slovenly. It is not a question of sin, but of the remnants of the carnal life which are apt to make us slovenly.Ultimately God will let nothing escape, every detail is under His scrutiny. In numberless ways God will bring us back to the same point over and over again. He never tires of bringing us to the one point until we learn the lesson, because He is producing the finished product. God is trying to impress upon us the one thing that is not entirely right. “Now, says the Spirit, through St. James,“let your endurance be a finished product.” Watch the slipshod bits - “Oh, that will have to do for now.” Whatever it is, God will point it out with persistence until we are entirely His. - Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, July 31: Til You Are Entirely His.

I apologize if my thoughts are a bit scattered. I've written quite a bit tonight – more then I usually do. Perhaps I should pick up again tomorrow.

Anyways, I suppose that second point that I am trying to get at is God is showing me that I ought to love a good many people that I do not. How that love is played out is another matter entirely, and one which I am sure God will see fit to pound into my head in the not-so-distant future. God give me grace, patience, and wisdom.